May 2002 - Ref 552
Cohabitation, separation and fatherhood
Cohabitation
has become widespread and separation in these relationships is more
likely than it is in marriage. Yet we know little about why couples
cohabit, the role of cohabiting men as fathers and what happens to
them when a relationship dissolves. This study, by a team at Lancaster
University, examines cohabitation breakdown from the perspective of
the father. In interviews with fifty parents who had cohabited and
then separated, it looked at how fathers and mothers described their
cohabitation, the role of the father in the relationship and his
continued involvement once the relationship dissolved. The researchers
found that:
- Respondents compared marriage and cohabitation in three main ways:
as indistinguishable and in which one or other form is a preferable
arrangement. A majority described cohabitation as a moral obligation
or commitment equivalent to marriage, but also as more 'honest', with
change and dissolution seen as part of a negotiation process rather
than a breach of marriage vows.
- 72 per cent of these unmarried mothers and fathers proclaimed
strong beliefs in egalitarian gender roles.
- Almost half (47 per cent) of these fathers were reported to have a
major or equally shared involvement in their children's care when they
were cohabiting.
- However, often the separation was attributed to the man's
'immaturity' either in failing to provide for his family or in trying
to break away from this 'traditional' expectation. This view was
expressed mainly by women.
- There was a deeply held assumption, mainly by mothers, that
maternal 'rights' have a primacy over paternal responsibility.
- After separation the man's role in childcare dropped considerably
even if he had been the primary carer of his child. The mothers were
depicted by both mothers and fathers as being in control of paternal
contact, whether by keeping fathers at arms' length or encouraging
their involvement.
- A number of factors hampered the continuation of paternal care of
the child, including the size and location of the father's new home,
negotiations with their ex-partner over money and the lack of a strong
social support network for fathers.
- Many fathers felt powerless in their attempts to maintain their
contact with and responsibilities towards their children.
Background
One-quarter of children are now born to cohabiting couples and
these relationships are more likely to dissolve. At the time of
preparing this Findings, unmarried men do not have Parental
Responsibility for their children, unless they take formal steps to do
so. This report looks at the experiences of such fathers and examines
their reasons for cohabiting, their reported involvement in childcare
and how this changes once the cohabitation breaks down.
Why cohabit?
All respondents were asked this question. On the surface their
responses appear to support popular beliefs that individuals drift in
and out of cohabitation:
"We didn't make a clear decision, it just sort of happened. He
started staying a lot and then we got a house together, it was an
evolutionary thing. We didn't say 'Oh right, we're going to live
together'. It just sort of happened." (Mother)
However, a large majority depicted cohabitation as at least
equivalent to marriage. Some suggested that the two forms of
relationship are indistinguishable - both require a commitment:
"My commitment to a relationship is the same, regardless of the
piece of paper." (Father)
"I don't honestly see a lot of difference between marriage and
cohabitation ... what matters is the relationship and whether it works
or not, you know." (Mother)
A few contrasted cohabitation with what they depicted as a
preferable and more stable formal marriage contract. However, 66 per
cent of respondents still believed that living together is preferable
to marriage in that it allows greater honesty and individual freedom
within relationships. Formal ties were seen as a relic of a more
religious past, or as an oppressive institution:
"I detest the process whereby couples seek the approval of the
state hierarchy or the religious hierarchy in order to do what they
want to do. My view is if people want to be together, let them be
together, they don't need anybody's permission." (Father)
Cohabiting men as fathers
Most couples dismissed the idea that cohabiting fathers are
'irresponsible' and described a high degree of paternal childcare
during the cohabitation. These views reflected a belief in sexual
equality both in the home and within society at large:
"We'd share doing stuff together, it was hard work getting up in
the middle of the night, feeding him with bottles and stuff like that
but generally it was easy going, like it was easier [with] two of
you." (Mother)
"You do the same things ... you share bills, you work together to
make a home, you have a commitment to each other." (Father)
In this sample at some time in the relationship, 14 per cent of
fathers had been primary caregivers, while 33 per cent had shared the
care of the child equally.
Reasons for the break-up
Forty per cent of the sample (particularly mothers) identified the
'irresponsibility' of their partner as the main cause of the split.
Seventy per cent of separations were initiated by the woman.
"[ex-partner's name] would describe it as she grew up but I didn't.
And her kind of idea of what's fun and so on changed I think as she
was kind of moving up her business. She came into contact with people
who were interested, well the way I think of it, more interested in
gardening than sex really ... becoming stuffy, more right-wing and
less adventurous and so on. And so, she's gone in this kind of more
quiet mode and I'm just "not grown up" as she would say." (Father)
Separation and the legal position of fathers
No father had applied for Parental Responsibility before the
separation and few had heard of the need for unmarried fathers to gain
such a status. The main factor determining men's awareness concerned
the mother-father relationship. When there was a conflict between them
one or both sought help and were informed about the man's weak legal
position. Even after a cohabitation breakdown half did not think about
their legal responsibility over the child:
"I haven't thought of that [laugh]. Um, the legal rights ... I don't
look at [it] in terms of legal rights. I see it more as social justice
and moral right ... Whereas if you're married it's because the marriage
and the family is like this legal thing then there are these legal
rights." (Father)
While most knew little of the need to apply for a Parental Rights
Agreement and for that to be signed by the child's mother, a small
group of men insisted on negotiating the break-up and division of
childcare through the courts. Those men that did follow up their
claims to parental contact were relatively satisfied with the outcome:
"If you agree to pay maintenance ... and you split up and you
finally find yourself in court, at least it gives you some rights over
those children that you didn't have before." (Father)
Father-child contact after the separation
All the mothers initially assumed primary responsibility for the
child, usually with the father moving out and into accommodation that
was unsuitable for the child or children to stay on a regular basis.
Like married men, these cohabiting fathers' contact with the child
dropped dramatically after the separation, even when they had been the
child's primary care-giver. As with all fathers, the patterns of their
contact varied, depending largely upon the relationship between father
and mother and patterns of financial exchange (see Figure 1).
The patterns of contact in Figure 1 conceal the complex factors
behind individual cases. For example, one of the 'no contact' men had
gone with his new partner to Australia; another had been excluded as a
result of a dispute over residence with the child. The two resident
fathers had older children who chose to move in with dad after a
lengthy time with mum. Most of those who saw the child for half the
week claimed that they did so on the mother's terms and depicted
themselves very much as 'secondary' parents.
His and her perceptions of parenting
In a sub-sample both ex-partners were interviewed. They tended to
agree with one another about what had happened in the relationship.
The fathers who did not have residence with their children expressed
feelings of loss, and the mothers had sympathy for their position:
"I think it's very tough ... for fathers who split up from their
children ... people who haven't got married are even on a more sticky
slope. I think it's tough for all fathers you know to suddenly lose
their children and they may not have been the ones that started the
whole process, it seems terribly hard..." (Mother)
However, parents' views about the same events often differed. For
example, one mother saw paternal reserve as a lack of interest:
"[Father] just accepted that she [child] would go with me and that
was it. It never even came into discussion that she would stop with
him, never. He's not really been interested ... not been there for her."
(Mother)
For him, the interest is acute:
"It's very painful not having access ... because I feel I can't
contribute, that I can't be a proper dad any more because I'm being
restricted all the time... It's the most painful thing I've ever known ...
last year was the worst year of my life because I was so far away from
them and I was so distant from them." (Father)
Why don't more fathers gain residence?
Four main reasons were given for men's continuing disadvantages
after the separation:
The primacy of 'mothering'
The presumption that mothers are more important to the child than
are fathers ran through many interviews, even those with fathers who
had primary responsibility for the child.
Accommodation
Moving to a new home puts the father at a disadvantage. Often his
accommodation is less comfortable and has few possessions for the
child to identify as her/his own. If it is in a new area then this
creates problems about giving the child a sense of belonging there.
"It was much more sensible that she stayed with the kids and had
the house and they had a kind of stable, domestic environment."
(Father)
Money
Mothers saw negotiations over child support as demonstrating the
man's lukewarm commitment as a parent. Fathers saw maternal demands
over money as a demonstration of the fact that he has to 'buy' contact
with the child.
"I've always been the complete father despite the circumstances ...
she used to get money off me so she could go out with a guy: "If you
give me money so I can go out you can have Phil tonight" ... so I'd give
her money, so I could get Phil. I bought him, basically." (Father)
A social network
Many fathers did not have the network of friends and relations to
support them as active parents. Indeed a few mothers suggested that
single mothers support each other, occasionally to the exclusion of
men:
"I am lucky I've got a lot of support really from friends ... I
thought "no I can't do it alone" and they always said "Well you've got
lots of friends in the same boat" ... With like single parents who you
know, there's just no fathers about at all." (Mother)
Policy issues
The study suggests that some of the issues faced by fathers after
cohabitation breakdown echo those faced by men after divorce. Like
divorcees, fathers after a cohabitation ends describe:
- A socio-legal system in which they are treated as secondary
parents even if they have been highly involved with caring for their
child.
- Polarised reactions to the services that provide mediation and a
means of financial exchange between ex-partners.
Ex-cohabitees have the additional problems of :
- Not having Parental Responsibility for their children and facing
even greater problems in maintaining their strong commitment to
fatherhood.
Parents think a great deal about how they parent. These parents
argued strongly that policy-makers need to listen to parents and to
draw on their experience.
About the project
This study was undertaken by Charlie Lewis, Amalia Papacosta and Jo
Warin at Lancaster University. The sample consisted of 50 parents who
had cohabited, had a child and then separated. They were located in
the main in three towns in the north-west of England and were mainly
from unskilled or professional occupations. In 14 cases both
ex-partners were interviewed while in 22 just one person participated.
Each individual was interviewed 1-1 with one of the authors.
How to get further
information
The full report,
Cohabitation, separation and fatherhood by Charlie Lewis, Amalia
Papacosta and Jo Warin, is published for the Foundation by YPS (ISBN 1
84263 058 X, price £13.95).
Click on the 'order report' icon in
the left margin to order online.
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