Adult children caring for elderly parents 'need more help in coping with stress'
"We just thought this is what we have to do. It was a sudden decision and after that everything just piled on top of us" - daughter caring for her elderly mother at home
"I would have felt very guilty if I hadn't made an effort and had just walked away from the situation." - daughter
Families where frail, elderly parents move to live with adult children commonly make their decision at a time of crisis - with little time to assess the implications or consider other options. Residential or nursing care is virtually a taboo topic that neither the children nor their parents are willing to discuss, according to research published by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation.
Children are motivated by a strong sense of duty, yet the arrangement often places family relationships under severe strain.
"It is emotional rather than physical stress. I feel emotionally worn out; absolutely worn out." - daughter
Judith Healy and Stella Yarrow of the Policy Studies Institute found that children whose parents had come to live with them often felt guilty about the idea of 'putting mum in a home'. Their parents, although anxious about 'being a burden' were also quite fearful about residential care. Adult children are a major source of care for very elderly people who find they can no longer live independently, but the study concludes that these families do not receive adequate advice or support.
In-depth interviews with children and parents in 24 households found the most common pattern was for a mother to have moved in with her daughter's family. Parents were, typically, very old and frail widows in poor health with limited mobility and some degree of confusion.
Parents' views
Elderly parents were often apologetic about staying with their children, but still thought it was natural to turn to their family, rather than to strangers. They considered they had more control over their routine than people in residential homes.
"My daughter said: 'Don't be silly, mum, we love having you.' But I still feel that I am a nuisance." - mother.
"I feel I am living in a real home. Perhaps not my own, but I don't feel out of place." - mother.
Parents also stressed that they were 'paying their way.' They contributed pension money to the household budget and paid a share of bills. Those who were able, prided themselves on doing what they could to help with household chores.
Children's views
Most of the middle-aged daughters and sons in the study were home owners with an adequate income, whose own children had grown up. It was important that those who were married tended to have supportive partners.
Half the daughters in the study were combining a caring role with part-time work that helped meet the costs of having their parent to live with them. They stressed the importance of having flexible 'family friendly' working arrangements that enabled them to combine a job with their responsibilities as carers. Those who had given up their jobs to look after their parent felt very isolated.
There was considerable ambivalence about the strain of living with an elderly parent. Although most felt the task of caring was manageable, all agreed that it was demanding and stressful. A few said they had already reach a point where they were no longer able to cope.
"If she ever gets to the stage where she is completely senile, then there is no way I could cope...But while she knows I'm here and she thanks me every night when she goes to bed for what I'm doing for her, I couldn't possibly send her away". - daughter.
Although most families were receiving home help and other social services, the amount of support varied widely. Common complaints were a shortage of 'respite' care, enabling family carers to take a break, and the difficulty of finding out what cash benefits and support services were available.
Policy options
The report concludes that parents and their adult children need better information when taking the initial decision about the advantages and disadvantages of shared household arrangements - including the likely level of support from social security and social services.
Judith Healy, a Programme Director at the Policy Studies Institute and co-author of the report, said: "Adult children who care for their elderly parents in this way are performing a valuable public service. They are - as one woman put it during our research - 'the embodiment of care in the community'.
"Yet it is clear that the amount of help that family carers currently receive is variable, unpredictable and seldom enough. The contribution that carers make should be properly recognised through a wider range of services and greater support so that sheer exhaustion does not undermine the relationship with their parent."
