Troubles at home kept secret by children

It also suggests that children worry more about their parents than may be realised – especially if they fear for their parents’ safety – and that boys find it especially hard to talk about their problems. The sadness and isolation that children experience can be perpetuated by the stigma and secrecy surrounding domestic violence, parental substance misuse and poor mental or physical health.

The review by Sarah Gorin, Senior Research Officer at the NSPCC, draws out key messages from 40 different research studies where children and young adults were interviewed, and another 50 related books and journal articles. It finds that:

• Children are often more aware of problems than their parents realise, but don’t always understand what is happening, or why. Children’s most persistent plea is for information that will help them understand what is going on in their family.
• Children whose parents have experienced domestic violence, substance misuse and, to a lesser extent, mental health problems, report witnessing or experiencing violence themselves. Their fear of violence is made worse by the unpredictability of their parents’ moods and they feel like they are ‘walking on eggshells’.
• Some children report feeling depressed, having difficulty making friends and experiencing problems at school, including bullying. Even so, the research concerned with domestic violence suggests that they can prove to be remarkably resilient and capable of healing their emotional wounds from bad experiences over time.
• In spite of their experiences, children frequently describe close relationships with parents and a strong sense of love and loyalty. Some are clearly torn between love for their parents and a dislike of their behaviour, or the restrictions placed on their own lives by their parents’ problems. 

Looking at children’s coping strategies and sources of help and support, the review finds that many children try to ‘blank out’ their problems at home when they are with other people and find other ways of distracting themselves. This makes it even harder for teachers or health and social workers to identify them and offer support.

When children do talk about their experiences they are most likely to seek informal support through family and friends – or even talk to their pets – rather than first approach a professional. Accounts of receiving professional help vary, but many children in the research described negative experiences. They complained that professionals did not always talk to them in ways they could understand and, in some domestic violence cases, did not speak directly to them at all.

Sarah Gorin said: “Lack of communication is a major barrier to children getting the help they need. Within families it often results from a shared desire to protect one another as well as a sense of secrecy and shame. Children also want to be believed and respected by professionals and involved in decision-making. Not talking to them may only make their sense of confusion, isolation and frustration worse.”

Mary Marsh, Director of the NSPCC, said: “Talking about problems at home can be hard for some children and young people. We need to make sure that young people can confide in someone they trust, without fear of being told what to do or being judged or doubted.

“If young people really feel there is no-one to turn to, they shouldn’t despair. Advice and support is available from organisations such as the NSPCC who can help them come to terms with their problems and work out what to do next.”