Only a small minority of children whose parents have separated think they were given a full explanation for the relationship breakdown. As many as one in four say that no one talked to them about the separation at the time, according to research for the Joseph Rowntree Foundation.
The study uses innovative techniques to gain insight into the ways that children as young as five view parental separation and changing families. More than 460 children and young people from different family backgrounds took part, including nearly 250 children from step-families, and more than 100 from single-mother families. Researchers from King’s College London found that:
Most children had not only been confused and upset at the time of their parents’ separation, but said they received little communication about what was happening or why. A quarter said no one had talked to them and only 5 per cent said they had been fully informed and encouraged to ask questions.
Children said grandparents and friends were their main confidants in the weeks following separation. The study also found that children who felt close to their mother’s parents were less likely to show signs of anxiety, aggression, poor personal relationships, school problems and other longer-term adjustment difficulties.
Adjustment problems were more common among children who reported difficult relationships with their parents, or felt they had been drawn into conflict between their parents or step-parents. Children were more likely to report negative family relationships if their parents had also experienced adversity in their earlier lives, been teenage parents or been through several changes of live-in relationships.
Children who felt close to their fathers or step-fathers were less likely to display behavioural and other adjustment problems than those who did not enjoy a warm, affectionate relationship.
Many children missed their non-resident parent (usually their father) very much and longed to see more of them. They offered practical suggestions such as more weekend visits, rather than seeing their parent on school days when there was less time to talk. Non-resident fathers who were unreliable about contact were a common cause of distress.
Over half the children who spent time in two different households because their parents were separated took a positive view of their ‘divided’ lives. Those who had a say in decisions about visiting times and felt able to talk to their parents about problems were especially likely to express positive feelings.
Prof. Judy Dunn, co-author of the report, said the methods used in the research – including opportunities for children to ‘map’ or draw their family relationships – had demonstrated how the perspectives of children as young as five could be studied with rigour and sensitivity: “Policy makers and practitioners have become increasingly aware of the need to listen to children’s views, but until now there has been little systematic research. The children and young people who took part in this study have identified a number of important issues which parents and those who advise and support families will find helpful.
“These include the way that many children are left feeling they do not know what is happening when their parents separate - and the danger that they will interpret this as meaning they are no longer loved by the parent who has left. The important role that grandparents and friends play in helping children to come to terms with parental separation also deserves wider recognition.”
